Typical Christian Such As I
I got lazy and I forgot to put my Spiritual Armour on for the past few weeks. I thought oh big deal I am tired and it is hot to wear and feels uncomfortable…I went about my days without defense. I was attacked several times and still did not think to put on my armour the next day. How could I have been so stupid when I know the truth? The attacks wounded me temporarily but not mortally, even though the after affects make me wish I was dead. I want to die and be taken away…
Idleness brings sinfulness. There is nothing to do and I am so bored. Why don’t I have enough work? This economy brings nothing for me and my life seems wasted. What did I do it all for just to be here in this stagnant position? Trying to focus, there were a few days I put my armour back on and felt wonderful and protected. It was actually comfortable. Then I took it off to have a rest and was attacked again and I willingly followed into a trap like a willfully blind person who puts their hands over their eyes instead of using glasses. My sin profanes the name of Christ, my sin creates mockery to God’s holy name.
I have failed my Master again. He is training me and putting me in heavily loaded situations that bring so much stress and pain. Stress builds character? What is He training me like this for? My life feels like a waste and useless. Why am I not able to do what the other fortunate Christians get to do? Their big ministries, their evangelism, their great works of righteousness, their friends and holy actions, their wonderful wives, their jobs…why am I left here alone? Why is it when I want to behave I cannot and no one cares? I hate my idleness, when I work I feel wonderful and strong. Accomplished. Then the days come with nothing to do and sin festers inside and wants to take action. But I hate it, but if I hate it why do I crave it? I CRAVE IT! I AM ADDICTED! I have vile passions…Can someone rescue me, a friend, or a wife or someone to help me in this world? No one…I hate what I do but I really love it secretly, but no I actually hate it, yet love it, but I really do hate it, GOD I HATE IT! Romans 7. I have no one to talk to about it as I am shamed! I am desperate…
I am afraid of God, yet He says he loves me and forgives me. Sin is a very temporary and instantaneous pleasure that is nothing more than, well, and instant…right after you finish you’re full of pain, remorse, guilt, and self-hate. You cannot sleep, you cannot have a rested mind. That is the punishment to the Christian. God forgive me, I am like Isaiah in my mind thinking about how unclean my lips are in your presence. How can I come to you and pray so soon after such failure?
I am to be satisfied in God alone, my true portion as the Psalmist says. But why do I desire someone? Why do I desire companions? Why do I desire anything but you? God please bless me with friends and a godly lover to tend my wounds, to bless me and guide me into your truth and encourage me to deny sin and live in her comfort which would be nothing more than a earthly demonstration of your love for me. I should be satisfied in your love alone and hope in your Word. But I want someone as Adam had a helper. I am sorry for this.
Lord forgive me and heal me from my failure. I WILL ALWAYS SIN AGAINST YOU! I WILL ALWAYS RUN AWAY! NO MATTER HOW MUCH I PRAY I WILL OFFEND YOU MY GOD! UNTIL THE DAY OF MY DEATH AND TRANSFORMATION INTO PERFECTION IN THE NEXT HEAVENLY REALM! It is my sinful nature. I hate it. Why do You come back to me? Why do You call me back? I confidently say today I will be holy and follow God yet my sin comes back. You still call me back to You. You still love me, You still forgive me, You still heal me, You clean me up. I cannot BOAST IN MYSELF! I BOAST IN YOU GOD! I need your Holy Spirit’s sanctification, illumination, and power. I need the loving hand of a Shepherd and Master to guide me and give me work. I need a Father to love me and call me to His grace. I did not chose this desperate struggle, it chose me. It is a worthy struggle and a calling to live a life that is painful yet full of God’s comfort and satisfaction and loving grace.
This is the life of a typical Christian such as I. A nobody in this world, a nobody in popular church, but for some reason-mysterious important to the God of the universe Who is patient to anger and full of mercy, grace, and deep love for my soul. He will punish the attacker’s, He will round them up and destroy them. My vengeance in is God, and my own willful stupidity will be healed and cured simply by His Word. Lord forgive me, take me back. Love me, heal me. Give me the strength to keep hating my flesh and loving you, and give me the power to avoid offending you and breaking your Holy Law. Thank you Jesus Christ, I love you.