The Hyper-Calvinist’s Prayer
*The following is a JOKE and a reaction to dealing with Hyper-Calvinists on youtube, expecially those who are delusional and believe they are not Hypers and are not heretics. These people completely misunderstand the “Doctrines of Grace” and are promoters of self. They are extremely self-righteous heretics equally as bad as the ultimate Free Will Arminians they so intensely hate. The logic of their false misrepresentations of true Calvinism are astounding and make for great comedy. They are guilty of using the foolishness of human wisdom to express and preach their false soteriological worldview. They are too proud to repent. The following is an example of how I think a Hyper-Calvinist must pray. I base it off of the “Arminian’s Prayer” that C.H. Spurgeon wrote. Enjoy! This is a Hyper-Calvinist’s prayer:
“Oh Lord how JUST you are to DESTROY WICKED SINFUL creatures such as unborn babies who NEVER knew your grace, and never knew life itself outside the womb.
Those disgusting reprobates, those wretchedly filthy creatures are sooo exceedingly SINFUL! It is JUST that God punishes those wicked babies and throws them into hell to burn for eternity!!
And it is GLORIFYING TO GOD and brings WORSHIP!! Oh GOD HOW JUST YOU ARE! HOW RIGHTEOUS You are to PUNISH EVIL BABIES for their SINS!!!!!
I love you God for bringing your ETERNAL justice on such evil creatures as unborn babies! How HOLY you are for that and how UNJUST I am; yet you SAVED ME, ENSLAVING ME to your grace. And my mind is YOUR mind thinking and doing everything! I can only do good because YOU do it through me, yet sinful babies sin and it is their fault. It is in no way your fault at all! EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF THEIR WICKEDNESS! Including all human atrocities, rapes, pornographic fantasies, child molestations, beastiality, Satan worship, blasphemy and more…it all comes from You, yet you are not at fault…Oh how shameful all of those heretics are who believe you are not the author of wickedness. I thank you so much I have the intellectual mind You put in me to understand such deep things unlike all those foolish heretics who claim to be 5 point Calvinists, but are just blasphemers. I shall continue to street preach, make videos for youtube showing me insulting such reprobates and blocking and ignoring anyone who messages me who disagrees with this pure doctrine that I hold which you are forcing me to believe, ENSLAVING ME TO IT!
You are innocent of sin! My religion of Calvinism is far better than the WICKED HERETICS who claim to be Calvinists (because Calvinism actually means CHRISTIANITY, and if you are not a Calvinist you are going to hell). They are all just ARMINIANS IN DISGUISE! I am thankful that I am more of a Calvinist than John Calvin himself!
I am so thankful Lord, that you force everyone to do everything and nobody thinks for themselves or makes their own choices. I am so THANKFUL Lord that I am a puppet completely controlled by God and programmed without a will or desire that comes from myself! That somehow even though it sounds completely illogical, that I am in NO WAY responsible for doing good, yet anyone who does evil (who is completely controlled by You in every way 100% without ANY desire or will that they express; since You are the author of all sin) IT IS 100% THEIR FAULT!!! And in no way are You responsible for their sin. Yet, in the same way as wicked people are controlled by You to do evil, I am controlled by you to do righteousness— and yet I am ENSLAVED by your grace and it is not by my merit— yet it is the wicked’s merit on their own that they are ENSLAVED by sin from YOU, YOU ALONE LORD! The logic astounds me!
Thank you Lord for killing all sinners and sparing me, and not making me like all those SINNERS! And since I am enslaved by your grace, I am in NO WAY being self-righteous in this prayer and I am NOT AT ALL praying the prayer of the priest in your parable…
I am so thankful God, that common grace does not exist and that you did not call or make the gospel presented to those sickening REPROBATES and that YOU HATED THEM SINCE BEFORE CREATION! And in no way expressed blessing on any of them, not even physical, earthly grace…because all it does is stores up more wrath for themselves…I thank you God! I thank you so intensely, yet it is You thanking Yourself through me, that there is absolutely NO SUCH THING AS THE FREE OFFER OF THE GOSPEL!!! The belief that You offered the gospel to all humans is a SATANIC doctrine and blasphemy! Yet, you are the author of this Satanic doctrine and blasphemy. I praise you for Your sovereignity. Also, this praise is also You and not me! You are controlling my fingers to type this prayer!
Thank you for keeping me holy above everyone else and loving me, even though I am unworthy, yet this exact prayer I am praying is You praying and doing everything and it is not my own action.
IN YOUR MOST HOLY, JUST, WRATHFUL, KILLING, DAMNING TO ALL SINNERS, yet enslaving me and forcing me to be righteous against my will that DOES NOT exist, and in your mercy towards my righteous behavior, in your most sovereign, controlling, illogically non-fatalistic name AMEN!!!!!!!