Short Account Of whitedragonawa’s Story
Thinking back on my life has taught me who God is. I have realized He is all powerful, in control, merciful and loving. I have realized that He totally has the power to do anything He wants in my life, even if I try my best to refuse His will. He has shown me that He is in control of my life even when I think He has neglected me and let me go on my own. He has proven Himself merciful by forgiving me for every sin I have ever committed and will commit. He has proven His love for me every day, even when I think I am worthless in His eyes.
My life is a sad story of isolation, loneliness, hate, lust, and depression. With all of these painful feelings, there have been many situations in my over 28 years of life where God has proven Himself to me over and over again, but I will only mention a few main situations I found myself in. Let us begin:
I was born into a Christian home in Eugene, Oregon in 1982. I grew up learning all about God and I would be considered the “older son” in the story of the prodigal son from the Bible (that means the “loyal” son who stayed). I lived to the best of my ability a correct, moral life. I did it out of my love and obedience to God. While I lived this way I was constantly persecuted and mocked because everyone around me in my neighborhood were not Christians and thought church and God were silly. I was a total joke in their eyes and as well as being made fun of I was threatened and even attacked in some instances for being who I was. I will say that I never had any friends, and the ones who claimed to be my friends were manipulative and used me for whatever reasons they thought they needed me for. I was stabbed in the back and totally ditched by my so called “friends” while at the same time being mocked and bullied by others.
Growing up through my life I had been to a lot of different churches my family chose to go to as well as many different schools I was put in. I have been in public schools, private Christian schools as well as being home schooled. This made it very hard for me to keep friends and gain needed social skills. Also, the whole entire time all the kids around me were not at all serious about God and didn’t even care. The Christian schools I went to were some of the worst times of my life. All the kids were involved in many grave sins such as drugs, sexual promiscuity and so forth. I saw so much sin around me and so much happiness with the sinners. I looked at myself and saw that I was extremely depressed with no friends. I was so pissed at the world and did not understand why God would leave me in such a bad state if I am living a correct moral life for Him. I really did want to honor Him, but after awhile it turned into hatred of people and arrogance. I was pushed so far by the mockery of other people that I began to embrace my isolation from society and hate people. To make up for the emotional emptiness in my heart I began to struggle with lust and was addicted to lustful activities. I may not have participated in promiscuous sex, but the internet had it’s ways to make up for it, at least in my mind. This caused me to understand that not only did the hypocrites who did not truly care about God sin, even I was capable of sin. But I still hated the sin even if I was caught up in it. I became so frustrated with the pain of life that I also rejected the existence of God after awhile and gave up. I had a nihilistic outlook on life and just hoped for death. My junior year in high school at a Christian school was the time I did this. A few weeks later I got hit by a car and should have died. I immediately embraced God and felt as if He protected my life, and I also thought He might have used the car to smite me. He possibly did, but it was for the good. After praising God for saving my life and having all the kids feel sorry for me, (even some of the girls tried to be nice to me because I was terribly injured on my knees) attitudes faded away and changed back to normal and I was yet again alone and made fun of. A month or so later I rejected God again for it. This kind of stuff happened over and over in my life as I was trying to find meaning for existence and trying to find out whether God really did exist, and if He did, then was He the Christian God.
When I was 14 I got into hardcore music. A lot of the bands I listened to were Christian bands in the hardcore punk and metal scene. The lyrics and emotion were everything I was going through. I did not listen to the secular music very often, because even though I was morbidly depressed and questioning God I somehow knew there was a right and wrong and most of the bands lyrics were about horrible stuff or just political issues I did not agree with. When I was about 17 in high school in my senior year I finally made some friends who were into skateboarding and punk like me. We started to go to shows and made bands and played shows. These kids were also Christians, but more of a cultural Christianity then actually loving God and having a real relationship with Him. But at least they were not blatantly doing horrible sins. Even though I did have these friends there was still a desire to be known and a deep loneliness was still over me. I still was depressed, but I did have a lot of happy times and a lot of fun. After 3 years of hanging out and having good times with my friends I had to move to Louisville, Kentucky with my family. My dad was going to attend Southern Baptist Seminary. I was so depressed and sad I had to leave the only friends I ever had in my life.
When I lived in Kentucky I hated life even more. I found myself going crazy and I questioned God further. I had left every relationship I finally made in Oregon and was isolated in this city. I did not know anyone and no one in Louisville cared to know me. I went to Jefferson Community College there and got my associates degree and I also got jobs that made me money.
In my life since I was 13 I was always involved in the martial art of Taekwondo because people always bullied me and I wanted to protect myself from physical attacks. So in Kentucky my mother encouraged me to start training again. I met a Filipino guy there who was nice and we would hang out and go to Taekwondo class together. He had a sister whom I met when I would hang out with him. I eventually fell in love with her and talked to her on the phone a lot and wanted to hang out. She was Filipina so she went to a Filipino church and invited me to come. All the while I knew her I would try to make it to her church and I got involved. I was trying my best to find God and be confident in Him. I joined a Bible study that was led by a Filipino American guy. I experienced a lot of racism and exclusion because of my skin color. Especially since they knew I liked this girl. They spoke English, but after church all the youth would start speaking Tagalog. There were some American born kids there who only spoke English and I saw a huge division in the church. Sometimes I wondered why I was even there because I never felt accepted. I always thought, “Why should there be a division in ethnic groups in the church if we all can speak English in this country and we are all Christians. Why can’t we be together?”
Months later after seeing this Filipina girl at church and hanging out with her brother we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I noticed that she did not come to church many Sundays. It was due to her uncle making it so she can’t go because he rejected the church and also knew I was there and did not like me. I still attended to show my devotion to God and this church, but none of the Filipinos cared.
I found out later that my girlfriend had different motives to be with me then I did and she basically sort of used me for the moment. I had had another girlfriend in the past in Oregon who did the same thing so I should have known, but I was so desperate for someone to care about me I blindly loved this girl, but she eventually broke up with me over immature reasons. I was again alone. Her brother got involved in a lot of bad activities that made it so I couldn’t hang out with him. He got heavily involved with pornography and strip clubs. So again I was friendless.
After this time I went crazy in my mind and was constantly asking for God to show Himself and prove Himself. I will just say that just contemplating life and living throughout all of my entire years of pain and misery really screwed me up mentally. My spirit was so dark and when I look back I can see a lot of demonic activity that took place to give me the thoughts I had. Satan took advantage of every situation he could to destroy me. In many cases it worked, but finally my parents took me to a new church in Louisville. This was called Bashford Manor Baptist Church. The people were all old, but were real. All my life I had faced fake, hypocritical Christians who did not care about me at all and did not truly live according to the Bible. No one was serious around me, but these people were. At this point I was so determined to have an actual world view and I was either going to accept God or forever reject Him. I wanted to believe in God so bad I kept going for Him. I was in a fight between my spirit and my intellectual capacity to understand over whether or not to believe in God. I finally made the decision to go with my spirit and choose to believe in God. I finally had a sense of confidence in God and that I could be real and actually believe in something. All my life I went back and fourth from being a Christian to not being one. If I was around non-Christians I was a Christian because I saw their immorality which bothered me. If I was around Christians I was a non-Christian because I saw their self-righteous hypocrisy that made me want to rebel. Finally, I could just be a Christian.
Months later I was finishing up a semester at school. When I went home to sleep that night I felt a dark presence come over me that woke me up. It looked as if some shadowlike figure was over my bed and had total control over me. I could not move and I was saying weird stuff that was possibly blasphemous (but I could not remember what it was) and I felt like I was being pushed into the back of my mind. It was one of the most terrifying things I had ever faced in my life. I realized that it was a demon attacking me. I think this was one of Satan’s last efforts to take me over. It didn’t work and I prayed for it to go away and it did. This only reinforced my beliefs in a spiritual world, and helped me further to believe God is real.
Fast forward ahead a year or so later and I am on my way to Biola University, a Christian school near Los Angeles, in a plane. It took me about 3 and a half years to graduate and get my degree in intercultural studies. During this time I went through all kinds of misery and spiritual oppression. I went through roommate hell, relational problems, a breakup with a girlfriend, and more. I thought that going to a Christian university was going to be the answer, but it was not. Even so, I am thankful that I learned so much about my faith and about God during this hard time; as well as becoming informed of the Satanic deception going on in the Christian and church scene. Biola University may have had a couple of decent professors, but most were not good in the Intercultural Studies department. There is so much heresy being taught there. I felt so much demonic oppression through the worldviews being taught and the sinful attitudes of countless students there. Immorality was rampant and being a seeker of truth and expression of light in this “Christian” school only gave me intense problems. I relapsed into serious depression and started to question my faith again. I began to fall into my old sins of hate and lust off and on in periods. But over the time I learned what God wanted from me. I did make some decent friends in the Filipino club there, but other than that it was full of dark times. But to make a long story short I survived and am proud of what God did with me there and how He preserved me in the faith.
So, living out my life and going through so much pain and misery and then having God truly be real inside me shows that no matter what I think, God is with me. God has had a plan for my life ever since the beginning. He obviously wants to use me or else I would be dead from the car that hit me. The situations I shared above are only a few of the major things I went through. There were many more. I still continue to go through a lot of perilous times just as before, but I know God is still with me. I do not think I have actually reached ultimate happiness yet, and probably never will on this earth. But this will make Heaven ever so much sweeter for me when I get there. That is what I desire. I want to fulfill my duty to God on Earth and see Him in Heaven soon. I have found that the world is worthless, and a Christian’s ultimate goal should only be eternal and not physical like on this planet.
God is a faithful God with ultimate power to control you into His will no matter how far you stray away. He is completely sovereign. His goal is full of love that no one else can give you, but we don’t realize it or understand His plans. We stray on the wrong path going our own way, or going the way we think God wants us, but in reality its still our own way trying to be justified by us. Hopefully more Christians will realize that you cannot escape (for it is irresistible grace) and should not want to escape God’s ultimate loving and pleasing purpose that is better than any desires we think up of on our own. This is what I have come to understand about who God is.
During and after college I started to really embrace theology and correct doctrines and study the Bible intensely. I have found that it is vital to be theological sound and know the Bible well as a Christian. And so my life continues on, and I do not know what lies ahead in the future. I only know it is going to be God’s will and He will help me through all of the suffering to come, until I reach that glorious day when I see my God’s face for the first time in Heaven to be with Him in eternity.
This is only part of my story as writing the entire amount of things I went through and the wonderful acts that God did and is still doing in my life would take several volumes. So I hope this story gives one an idea of what God did to give me salvation and what God can do for someone else, He can give you eternal life! I also hope to relate to people who went through similar situations as I did growing up so they will be compelled to repent of their sins and trust Jesus Christ as their personal savior and Lord.